Monday, August 4, 2014

Gourmet Mystery Meat!

Look...I know what you're thinking. Salisbury Steak is disgusting. It's a gelatinous patty covered with brown slimy goo that the lunch lady shovels on your plate at school. There is nothing gourmet about it. Never can be. Never will be. Just drop the ground beef and step away from the kitchen with your hands where I can see them.

Well I'm hate to tell you, my friend...but you've been lied to. Despite the best efforts of certain covert, shadowy government people, I know the truth! Salisbury Steak is incredibly delicious if you make it with the proper ingredients. Today...I will impart on you knowledge THEY don't want you to know. How to make Gourmet Salisbury Steak!

First..some ingredients:

  •  1 can condensed French onion soup
  •  1 pound ground beef
  •  1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
  •  1 egg
  •  A dash of black pepper
  •  1 tablespoon flour
  •  1/4 cup ketchup
  •  1/4 cup water
  •  1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  •  4 tablespoons mustard

Do not buy the shitty 80% ground beef.  Spring for the extra buck and buy the fancy 90% ground beef. Do they have 97% ground beef? Buy that! Do they have a living cow? Buy the living cow. Go large or go home! 

To start, put your living cow through a wood chipper or something. In a large bowl, mix together 1/3 cup condensed French onion soup with ground beef, bread crumbs, egg, and black pepper. Shape into 6 oval patties. Why oval? Because you're trying to fool your poor hungry family into thinking they're eating steak. (True historical explanation.)

(High Quality Ground Beef being transformed into High Quality Mystery Meat)

(These are clearly Steaks now.)

In a large skillet over medium-high heat, brown both sides of patties in a little oil. Pour off excess fat.

(Fried 'Steaks') 

Meanwhile, in a pot, blend flour and remaining 2/3 cup soup until smooth. Mix in ketchup, water, Worcestershire sauce and mustard.

 (Mysterious Gravy)
Pour this over the meat in the skillet.

Cover, and cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

When it's done, pop it on a plate, spoon some gravy over the top and serve with mashed potatoes...just like the lunch lady would have done!

Clearly, it's STEAK..

But honestly, it's a really tasty dish you can make with ease, and you will never rank on Salisbury Steak again! It may look suspiciously like the junk we got at school..but it's not. I swear it's not. The stuff you got at school was only maybe 50% real meat, and they counted ground up cow hearts and stuff. This is Grade A mystery meat here...and your family and friends will LOVE IT! :)