Monday, August 4, 2014

Gourmet Mystery Meat!

Look...I know what you're thinking. Salisbury Steak is disgusting. It's a gelatinous patty covered with brown slimy goo that the lunch lady shovels on your plate at school. There is nothing gourmet about it. Never can be. Never will be. Just drop the ground beef and step away from the kitchen with your hands where I can see them.

Well I'm hate to tell you, my friend...but you've been lied to. Despite the best efforts of certain covert, shadowy government people, I know the truth! Salisbury Steak is incredibly delicious if you make it with the proper ingredients. Today...I will impart on you knowledge THEY don't want you to know. How to make Gourmet Salisbury Steak!

First..some ingredients:

  •  1 can condensed French onion soup
  •  1 pound ground beef
  •  1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
  •  1 egg
  •  A dash of black pepper
  •  1 tablespoon flour
  •  1/4 cup ketchup
  •  1/4 cup water
  •  1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  •  4 tablespoons mustard

Do not buy the shitty 80% ground beef.  Spring for the extra buck and buy the fancy 90% ground beef. Do they have 97% ground beef? Buy that! Do they have a living cow? Buy the living cow. Go large or go home! 

To start, put your living cow through a wood chipper or something. In a large bowl, mix together 1/3 cup condensed French onion soup with ground beef, bread crumbs, egg, and black pepper. Shape into 6 oval patties. Why oval? Because you're trying to fool your poor hungry family into thinking they're eating steak. (True historical explanation.)

(High Quality Ground Beef being transformed into High Quality Mystery Meat)

(These are clearly Steaks now.)

In a large skillet over medium-high heat, brown both sides of patties in a little oil. Pour off excess fat.

(Fried 'Steaks') 

Meanwhile, in a pot, blend flour and remaining 2/3 cup soup until smooth. Mix in ketchup, water, Worcestershire sauce and mustard.

 (Mysterious Gravy)
Pour this over the meat in the skillet.

Cover, and cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

When it's done, pop it on a plate, spoon some gravy over the top and serve with mashed potatoes...just like the lunch lady would have done!

Clearly, it's STEAK..

But honestly, it's a really tasty dish you can make with ease, and you will never rank on Salisbury Steak again! It may look suspiciously like the junk we got at school..but it's not. I swear it's not. The stuff you got at school was only maybe 50% real meat, and they counted ground up cow hearts and stuff. This is Grade A mystery meat here...and your family and friends will LOVE IT! :)

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Absolute Newbie's Guide to Chicken Cacciatore & Pasta

I know what you're thinking. can I possibly make this delicious looking meal myself? I am no gourmet cook. Ah, but you're wrong. You can and you will! Just follow these simple, newbie-friendly instructions!

First, a list of things you will need:

  • 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 
  • 1 1/4 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breasts 
  • 1 3/4 cups Chicken Broth or Chicken Stock
  • 1 teaspoon dried oregano 
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder 
  • 1 can (14.5 ounces) diced tomatoes 
  • 1 small green pepper, cut into 2-inch-long strips (about 1 cup) 
  • 1 medium onion, cut into wedges 
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 
  • 2 1/2 cups uncooked medium shell-shaped pasta 

Boneless chicken breasts come in packages in the meat department and vary in size from one to two pounds. There's usually both a generic store brand and a name brand (like Perdue.) The store brand is fine. If you freeze the package, you have to take it out of the freezer and put it into the fridge the morning before you plan to cook it. (as takes at least a full day to thaw.) When you take the chicken out of the package you have to wash it. Just run it under warm water and rub it until it doesn't feel slick or gooey, and pull off any extra fat with your hands. It takes like a minute, tops. (Wash your hands after handling raw chicken, unless you're highly fond of extreme intestinal discomfort and/or food poisoning.) For this recipe, use a sharp knife to cut them into bite-sized chunks. This is about 1 1/2 lbs of chicken. Don't worry if you're a bit over or under what the recipe calls for. (A bit. If you have TWICE as much, double the rest of the recipe, obviously.)

The onion and pepper will be in your produce department (of course.) You'll see a lot of different onions, but I usually just buy a single, decent-sized Sweet Vidalia Onion. I usually buy one Green Pepper too. Your store probably separates the organic veggies in their own case...they are more expensive than 'regular' veggies, so be aware and don't buy from the organic case if don't care. How do you know if your produce is good? Well...if it's spotty, brown, soft or ugly looking, you should probably take a pass. It should be decently firm, and look like the pictures of produce you see on the walls at your local Subway. Here...are mine:

These are some sexy looking veggies!  To cut up an onion, use a sharp knife to chop off the top and bottom half and peel off that first layer of outer skin. (It just comes right off with your hand.) What you're left with is this:

Then cut this in half down the middle and chop that one half up. Because this recipe calls for 'One Medium Onion' and Vidalia Onions are big, just use half and save the other half in a baggie in the fridge for using in other things. A good sharp knife matters. It should slice through this like butter. If you're sawing at your onion, you're doing it wrong.

To cut up a pepper, cut around the top. Peppers are hollow and there's like this...mother ship of an internal stem attached to the top. When you cut into it, you'll see what I mean. You just cut right around that and throw it away. Then cut the pepper in half length-wise and remove any whitish spine parts and seeds. What you're left with is this, which is easily sliced into the sticks this recipe needs:

The recipe calls for about a cups worth of green don't assume you have to use the whole thing. Anything you don't use...stick in a plastic baggy and toss in the fridge. Be sure to make other cool gourmet stuff during the week to use up your leftover pepper and onion!

If you've never done these things them this week. Learn how to do will open an entire new world of recipes to you! And you'll be eating veggies in a cool, tasty way...which is never a bad thing!

Put your veggies on a happy little plate like this one and set them aside for a minute.

Now...let's continue with our recipe!

Heat your tablespoon of oil in a 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken and cook for ten minutes. Your chicken will create juices while it cooks.

Somewhere around the 7 minute mark, you might want to put the cover on the skillet and tilt it carefully over the sink and drain all those juices out. Takes like five seconds and it will get rid of the excess liquid and some of the oil, which is good. :) Put it immediately back on the heat and move your chicken around the pan for a few more minutes to get the pieces slightly brown.

Good enough. Now, we're gonna add all this stuff:

I buy my chicken broth in these boxes. They're just the right size for this recipe and hey, no tin can sitting in a land fill. You can use store brands. You can use name brands. I care not! Your hungry family cares not! Your Chicken Cacciatore cares not! We're all just that cool and carefree like that!  

I didn't use pasta shells. I had elbows laying around, so I used those, because I don't care!

You may want to drain the extra juice from the diced tomato can. Depends on how much you like tomatoes. No offense to tomatoes, but I drain mine. So yeah, let's stir in the broth, oregano, garlic powder, tomatoes, green peppers, onion and black pepper, and then stir in the pasta. And oh! Look at this! You've already created something that looks extremely PRO!

Reduce the heat to medium-low, put the lid on your skillet and cook for around 15 minutes. Unless you smell something burning, you shouldn't lift the lid to peek. The pasta is both cooking and steaming in there.

Pasta knows how to party! 

After 15 minutes, take off the lid and stir your Chicken Cacciatore up! Dole it into bowls. Wait..wut? Yes! We're done!! You did it!!!!!!! Now you get to eat your delicious food with the added pride of knowing that you did it yourself! Not only that, but you made something that's relatively healthy!! You're amazing! GREAT JOB!!!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Honey Garlic Swai

Fish is healthy and delicious, but it can be really expensive. Swai is a tasty white-flesh fish very similar to Catfish, and it can be prepared just like flounder. Broil it, grill it, coat it with bread crumbs and fry it...Swai loves all those things. Swai is easy. And cheap. (Not gonna make a 'your mom' joke here...even though I could.)

Swai usually comes in an economy pack bag in the freezers of your grocery store's fish section. Here's my you sort of know what to look for:

Sometimes the Swai is packed in individual plastic bags inside these packs. Just be sure you take them out of the packs to defrost them, or they'll taste very fishy. Here's my defrosted and washed Swai, looking very sexy! Let's preheat the oven to 425...because Swai likes it HOT!

I...should probably give you ingredients. You'll need: 
1/2 cup Cider Vinegar
4 tb Honey
2 tb Soy
4 tb Minced Garlic  

Mix these guys together in a cup and we're ready to party!

Cover a pan with foil, cover with cooking spray, and lay your Swai on top of that. Then, cover your fish with about half of the sauce. We'll be putting more on later. Put this in the oven for 20 minutes. Now's a good time to start your white rice and veggies or whatever you plan on eating with this.  

After 20 minutes, remove your fish, cover with a bit MORE sauce. Put this under the BROILER for 2-3 minutes. Don't let it burn! Swai doesn't like to burn.   

It comes out looking nicely browned. Add the rest of your sauce! 

Put it on a plate. Stare at how beautiful it is!  

This would probably be a good time to eat it! 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Reuben Casserole (Not your everyday boring Casserole!)

Casseroles are popular because they're easy, but usually they consist of hamburger, tuna or chicken. Corned Beef is delicious but people rarely cook with it outside of St. Patrick's day. Two reasons why this Reuben Casserole is so great: It's something different...and Corned Beef! 

  • 6 slices rye bread, cubed
  • 1 (16 ounce) can sauerkraut, drained and rinsed
  • 1 pound deli sliced corned beef, cut into strips
  • 3/4 cup Thousand Island salad dressing
  • 2 cups bagged shredded Swiss cheese
(We're all you'll need!)

Preheat the oven to 400. 

Cut up (or violently tear) your rye bread into cubes and lay them in the bottom of a casserole dish.

Drain your sauerkraut and lay over the top of the bread cubes.

Slice up your corned beef. Layer that on top.

Cover with the dressing. 

Cover with foil and put in the oven. Bake for 20 minutes. 

(I'm a Mystery Casserole...what could I beeee? )
After 20 minutes, remove from oven, uncover. Spread evenly with the Swiss Cheese.

Stick this back in the oven, uncovered, for 10 more minutes.

IT'S FREAKING DONE! And you barely even had to DO anything!
How PRO is THIS? 

Soo sooo soooo gooood! 

So good. 

So. Good.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Stupid Easy Pineapple Mango Chicken

1. Cut up Chicken

2. Sprinkle with cumin and fry in pan until brown on both sides. (About ten minutes)

3. Pour a cup of Mango salsa over the chicken.  Add some Crushed Pineapple. Reduce the heat to low.  Cover and cook for 15 minutes or until the chicken is cooked though.

4. Serve over rice or shred and serve in a taco. 

5. Look incredibly pro! 

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Crusted Baked Chicken

Okay, so this isn't super instant easy or anything but its easy enough..and it is now the most requested dish in my house.  You just need the following stuff (and things.)

  • 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 cups Herb Seasoned Stuffing, crushed
  • 1 can Cream of Chicken Soup 
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
  • 2 tablespoons butter, melted
Stuff..and things.

Preheat the oven to 400. Slice the chicken in half lengthwise so its nice and thin, like this: 

Put the flour on a plate.  Put the stuffing on a plate.  Stir 1/3 cup soup and 1/4 cup milk in a shallow dish. Set up an assembly line! Automate with robots. Don't have robots? Dude, it's 2014...get yourself some robots. (To crush breadcrumbs, just hand crunch the crap out of the bag before you open it. Store the rest away in a big, plastic baggy!)

(Old-fashioned non-automated assembly line.) 

Coat the chicken with the flour.

Dip the Chicken in the soup Mix. Coat the chicken with stuffing.

There's actually a piece of chicken in this picture. It's just super camouflaged..which makes it a lot harder to find and kill...but at Killer Gourmet...we will find you...and we will kill you and eat you. We're cold like that.

Lay your chicken pieces on a foil lined pan coated with some cooking spray.
(Don't have cooking spray? It like doesn't even really matter with this.) 

Drizzle with melted butter. (To melt butter, put it in a mug and stick it in the microwave for a minute, newb.)
 Stick it in the oven. BAKE for 25-30 minutes.

Meanwhile, mix together the remaining soup and milk in a pot over medium heat - stir occasionally until it's smooth and hot. 

(Famous Killer Gourmet Cats)

Make mashed potatoes or something for a few minutes. Oh, Look....The chicken is done! 
Perfectly tender and juicy inside.
Cover with the sauce and serve with mashed potatoes!

ZOMG Mmmmmmmmm!